2008 Season Report by Neil Newman
After a successful campaign last season moving up a division was always going to be harder and unfortunately we could not keep up our early form and tailed away some what alarmingly at the end with some of the team clearly not up for it .
Bowling .
This is an area where we have not done as well as we could although in Fox and Harry we have 2 of the best in the league . The skip has also bowled well (although he some how is always bowled out before the slog is on at the end) . Rollo and Thongy did well at times but we clearly lacked that 5th bowler . Newman and Cimmni were both tried in that roll but came up woefully short .
Batting .
Worse than our bowling . Our talented batting line up did not perform with none of a our batsman coming out of the season with any credit apart from Thomas the McGowan who although did still underperformed was better than the other so called batsman . Every week Rollo said its time for the legs to play an innings (obviously they didn't) but this was just trying to defelect critism away from him and the so called batters . This created a dived in the team which was not good for team sprit.
Fielding .
We are the worst team in the league at fielding . No further comment required .
Marks out of 10 for your season
Batting Bowling Fielding Drinking Total
The Skip 2 7 6 9 24
His batting is like the football team he supports talented but severely underperforming
Allum 2 4 4 5 15
Clearly the thought of having to buy jugs for big scores hampered his season
Spillers 4 n/a 4 7 15
Lots of effort but sadly this does not make up for lack of ability
Rollo 6 5 8 5 24
when will his head explode ?
Harry 4 7 3 6 20
Clearly he is the biggest knob in the team
Newman 4 3 6 6 19
Does well considering his lack of inches
Fox 5 8 6 6 25
No point writing any thing about him he will only change it
Woody 5 5 5 5 20
Fired those peanuts well all season
Craig 0 3 3 1 7
A beginner and it showed
Dave dazzler darrell daz not integrated into the titanic way
Cimmni 3 1 7 9 20
All talk and no action
Cawley 2 n/a 1 5 8
Needs to smile more and retire
Thongy 10 10 10 10 40
Bitch slap was highlight of the season
Tom 7 5 9 7 28
The 1st player in titanic history to go on a diet (others should follow)
Orton 3 3 3 3 12
The man is a fraud (clearly not a cricketer)
Conclusion
At this level we need all our top players to perform or we lose .
August 2nd Baldock (Home)
'Jury still out on Titanic Skipper'
Titanic allegedly lost the toss and were allegedly invited to bat in
overcast and damp overhead conditions. The track looked fine and sibling
openers Jamie and Tom, or the GoLightly's if you prefer, strode/waddled
to the middle with an air of bulk.
The Baldock opening attack managed to extract some life, pace and
bounce, from an unusually lively Broxbourne track but could not obtain a
breakthrough. Jamie played and missed and Tom edged and was dropped in all-too-familiar fashion, but the scoreboard continued to tick over.
To the astonishment of everyone involved in the game, from grass-roots
to the test arena, it was Tom that was first to go in an opening stand
worth in excess of 60. Allum came to the crease and continued in fine
form, by belting singles all over the square. Jamie Go-lightly was in
dazzling/daz/darrening/dal form, piercing the field and clearing the
boundary with consummate ease, batting with a freedom not seen from him previously. Newman was in tears as Jamie reached 27, in so-doing losing money to 'The Barbecue' Spillers. Jamie edged his way to a chanceless 144, stroking 2 4's and 0 6's en route to a personal best by 134 runs, taking his seasons average to within a whisker of Cawley's.
Allum was dismissed by a beauty and Rollo soon followed as Titanic
suffered another batting collapse. The run rate began to stutter more
than Woody speaking with a mouthful of KP's nuts (salted) and it was
left to Smith and Allum K, once again defying medical belief, to haul us
to 236 with a brief flurry of boundaries.
The signs looked ominous from the moment that the skipper and his
closest allies chose not to partake in the Broxbourne Buffet, or shouts
spreads to refer to its Latin name. As if accepting his own fate, Jamie
appeared more interest in signing autographs for the fans and investing
heavily in the alternative tea, laid on by Spillers' Silver Service and
Staff, than in spurring on his team for the 2nd part of the game.
The rain became heavier and Titanic could not get the early wickets that
the current skippers' tenure demanded; instead the runs flowed, Smith
once again coming in for some heavy punishment, though he showed his
mental strength and overcame this torrid period by bitch-slapping his
opposite number, who in turn went down Drogba-like and if it weren't for
the reviving lips of Cawley, would arguably not have made such a swift
recovery. Leg news understands that no complaint has been made against
Smith but Cawley and Baldock-player have enjoyed a string of dates
since.
After 20 overs, Titanic were ahead on the Duckworth/Woody method and
despite his teams pleas, skipper Jamie kept his men in the field, as if
to make a statement of his single-minded leadership - naturally this was
ill-received by the committee of vice-captain's.
The plan backfired; the skippers plans were detrimentally affected by
the worsening rain and the truly rubbish fielding. Catches went down,
fielding errors costing several boundaries led to Baldock cantering home
with more than an over to spare.
In the post-match interview, when asked about his decision to keep his
troops in the field in the increasingly poor conditions, Jamie revealed
that he had struck a deal with the opposing skipper at the toss. An
investigation into match-fixing is currently scheduled for Monday-week,
indeed, in keeping with the lines of lying to all and sundry, Jamie
Go-lightly even claimed that his team had won the game, somewhat
controversially.
The skipper thanked Bulmers, Becks and Foster's before beginning the
Krypton-Factor that was getting himself and Tom into a Mercedes A-Class,
already loaded with shelving just purchased by Mrs A Go-lightly from
Harrods.
The coveted LEG award was given to last-week's Man of the Match Newman, for dropping the match-winning Baldock player twice in 3 balls, whilst doing his personal impression of Moses in the Bulrushes.
Oh how a week changes lives. Jamie Go-Lightly, now in form with the bat, takes his team to Houghton Town next week, looking to turn around his side's fortunes and will be looking to lead from the front again. Newman will be looking to off-load The Leg to another poor unsuspecting
Sunday-afternoon drinker. Allum will be looking to add to his bizarre
list of dismissals - perhaps by dressing as a circus clown in a
slapstick bid to add to the already comical list and Smith will be
fighting with the Stewardesses at 30,000 feet.
The return of Zammo will add strength to the drinking and Spillers will
be looking to add a whole Hog-roast to the tea menu.
LEG news is believed to be suspending its campaign to oust Go-lightly,
extending an arm by way of 'stay of execution' for the bewildered
skipper. Can he restore belief within the group and re-ignite that once
famed Titanic unity? LEG news also understands that some summer-signings
may be on the way in, in a bid to refresh the group, twinned with the
possible return of their overseas player, the Algerian Salamone.
See you next week........
July 27th Holwell (Away)
"Titanic sunk by own Skipper"
Inexplicably, McGowan decided to field in temperatures over 30 degrees and suffer in the heat did we.
A fine opening spell from Cooksey and Fox yielded just 1 wicket and had the scoreboard reflecting a run rate of over 5 runs per over. Harry Maskell was brought into the fray and despite slowing the run rate slightly, a breakthrough was hard to come by.
Eventually, despite opener Parkin crashing the ball all over the place, wickets began to fell as first McGowan and then Newman began to take a
strangehold.
Allum, behind the stumps claimed 3 and it could have been 5 with a little more luck. Smith was despatched to all parts of Hitchin and will be relying on his previous week's performance to keep him in the fray. Newman with 2-11 was clearly underbowled, despite the Vice's constant reminder's to the bewildered Skipper.
Holwell closed on 259 from their 40, a tall order in any circumstance and would be heavily reliant upon those in form, or Rollo, if you prefer.
Against the Vice's advice, Newman and Spiller's opened up, creaming the
ball to all parts of the crease - one even reached the edge of the strip. Spiller's fell in controversial fashion, followed by the out-of-sorts Allum. McGowan entered the fray and looked menacing for his 10, before lollying a dolly to mid-wicket and ending his all-to-brief stay; although an average boost was encouragement enough to not "jack-it-all-in".
Wickets constantly tumbled, only Newman looking anything like a cricketer, though his on-going lack of height continues to prove his Achilles heel and his social ineptitude continues, but a Napier-like 24 and Warne-like 2-11, comfortably enough to claim the Man of the Match award.
The LEG award was controversially given to Jamie, despite heavy pressure
from Darren/Darryll/Dazzler/Dal, who turned in a truly shocking fielding performance and picked up an injury to his ankle area - but his hands remain fairy-liquid soft and was triggered for a duck by the ruthless Spillers, claiming all the while that his bat never touched the ball - it must have been off his shin whilst trying to kick it for 4!
Jamie committed the cardinal sin of winning the toss and fielding in tremendous heat, followed by one massive LIE, being his attempted pact with the opposing skipper to outwit his own team-mates by claiming to have lost the toss.
McGowan is hanging-on to his job by the skin of his teeth; the media already sensing that with recent early Sunday-evening departures fresh in the mind, paired with this continuing indecision over whether he's a seamer or spinner
And these recent lies, is ther any truth behind the rumour.....that he's applied to Lilley CC for social membership......
Even closest ally Spillers confirmed earlier in the week to Leg news, that unrest in the dressing-room was almost at boiling point after 40-overs in the sun) and that McGowan would have to pull a rabbit-from-the-hat to overcome this latest crisis.
In some disarray, Titanic move on to a home game vs Baldock with McGowan
knowing that only a convincing win can see him continue his time at the helm of what appears to be a 'sinking-ship'........only one man can save McGowan now.......it's the return of younger sibling "LUCKY" Tom.
July 20th Breachwood Green (Cheshunt)
The game itself was in doubt due to overhead conditions and the reluctance of the opposition to arrive. We fielded first, in accordance with the pre-match plan. A weak team was fielded, with overseas star Salamone still absent, citing ‘work commitments’ (run, run for your lives!!!).
Rollo and Bassett kept it tight early-doors on a flat-belter (better than
Breachwood Green closed on 207 from their allotted 40 overs, Titanic unable to eek out the final wicket. In reply, Titanic got off to a fluent start, Cimini creaming the ball to all parts of the boundary, J McGowan creaming the ball to all parts of the square. Predictably, McGowan was the first to fall, swiftly followed by Sun Dream Team Star Man Allum, clean bowled trying to hit the offie out of the county having already slapped the first change over the clubhouse. Cooksey at 4, a modern-day Andy Moles if thee ever was, looked a class above and appeared surprisingly awake considering the early start time of 2:00 p.m. Ably partnered by the astonishingly-sober Cimini, Titanic passed the halfway mark, untroubled until both departed in quick succession. Cimini lost concentration for just a split-second when informed that fully 35 minutes had elapsed since consumption of Foster’s and Rollo, undone by a low cloud was castled.
Cross came and went, Spillers supplied some brief fireworks with a flurry of cover hoicks / drives before he departed, Cawley, Maskell and Bassett all followede as Breachwood brought back the Amla-like Yassir.
…..and then came the golden moment. Defying age and arthritis, Allum K and Smithy strode to the wicket with an air of confidence never before seen from 2 such ageing stalwarts of the game. The crowd, wildly out of control as Smith launched, yes launched, the penultimate delivery of the match over mid-wicket for a one-bounce 4. Reduced to a blubbering wreck as he reached his team-mates, the words “That one’s for you Woody!” were all that could be understood from the emotional wreck that was……Martin Smith, Titanic’s new number 3.
Ratings as follows:-
Cimini – supreme batting display, consistent performer in the field -9
J ‘
Allum – unlucky dismissal for the 5th time this season – previous record should hold his place in the side (and history) improved behind the stumps as game developed – 5
Rollo – another performance of the highest order with the bat but needs to reduce the number of 12-ball overs – 8
Cross – encouraging debut from ‘The Beacon’ – 6
Spillers – memory-bank on overload trying to remember where fielding; ever-improving with the bat – 7
Maskell – the left-arm quickie continues to menace the batsmen but ‘The Finisher’ couldn’t perform with the bat – 7
Cawley – lost £50 – nuff said!
Bassett - ….and from the Football Ground End…….fielded like a total leg and was awarded ‘The Leg’ – 5
Allum K – dragged out of retirement, fielded heroically given age and lack of match practice, involved in match-winning partnership but cannot be forgiven for ‘The Plastic Fag’ – 6
Smith – for Prime Minister! Bowled better than stats suggested, what can one say about the match-winner – extra-long ‘pools round’ this week, eh? – 9
Bring on the next game – “We’re on the march with Smithy’s army, we’re all going to Broxbourne, I mean Cheshunt, I mean
Not much to say about this apart from well done for not getting us chucked out of the hotel or even getting us any extra costs although the people who messed poor tonys room up did there best . I even got an email from the little gay northern bloke thanking us for our custom . Surely a 1st in titanic history . Highlights of the trip mainly revolved around Zamo and these included a naked dance down Bournemouth high street , having no money , falling asleep in the hotel bar at 7 pm and finding a middle aged man attractive on our way home . I think you will all agree it was a successful trip and roll on next year .
Marks out of 10 for your touring ability
Skipper 9 a very good effort and the people at Bulmer's will be delighted
Spillers 9 the little fella can certainly knock them back
Allum 9 kept going with the best of them
Zamo 8 drunk the most but let himself down by falling asleep on the 1st evening
Kojak 6 couldnt hack it during the day time
Neil 7 good during day and 1stnight but let himself down badly on 2nd night
Rolo 3 should now be called the owl as he only comes out at night
Cawley 6 good in the evening but did have a cheeky sleep in the afternoons
Harry 6 old father time is catching up with him cant handle the pace
Thongster 7 does well for an olden
Woody 7 he certainly enjoyed the 2nd night
T.Mcgowan 10 after last years let down he certainly made up for it .
July 6th Offley & Stopsley (home)
Rain Stopped Play, No Result
Not much we can say about yesterdays game apart from well done Broxbourne on managing to screw all the money out of us . As i only saw a couple of over's it would be unfair to judge your performance on the pitch so i will give you marks for drinking instead .
The Skipper 8 lead by example
Spillers 8 followed the skipper admirably
T. Mcgowan 9 excellent never lets us down on the drinking
Foxy 9 even got a free jug well done lightweight
Allum 5 driving
Rollo 6 never going to match the spillers and McGowan's of this world
Cimni 7 started well but family commitments got in the way
Harry 3 used the pathetic excuse that he was driving
Thongy 7 the steady eddy of drinkers
Woody 7 was knocking back the lucozade
Gary 4 driving(i think) but marked down for having a bad t-shirt on
June 29th Ickleford (home) by Neil Newman
The less said about this woeful performance the better so i will keep it brief. Although i missed the start, the 150 for 2 off 23 over's suggests that i was not a great start on a pitch, that can only be described as a bowlers paradise . Then i left, to finish off preparing tea and to my surprise we bowled them out for just over 200 unfortunately on this pitch that was about 100 to much on a pitch like that .
So the reply came which our skipper produced a surprise and opened with Mr Allum something he had not done for quite a while and Cawley . Cawley looked far more at ease and clubbed a few glorious 2s and even the odd 4 . It was no surprise that Allum fell 1st although there was 1 notable 6 from him . Wickets then fell at regular intervals with none doing much apart from moan about the wicket that was until Bassett and Spillers batted and it has to be said made it look easy . There innings showed up some of the so called super 8 . Although they did not bring us the victory they did stop them getting an extra point which could be crucial looking at our current form .
Marks out of 10
Cawley 7 got the start now needs to carry that on and prove the doubters wrong
Allum 6 needs to bat better although bowling well could be classed as a all rounder now
Tom 6 had the thankless task of wicket keeping but could have batted better
Thongy 8 top man
The Skipper 5 needs some runs
Cimini 4 surely needs demoting from the supper 8s cant bat cant bowl
Mr Fox 7 played well ( cant put anything bad as he will change it )
Harry 5 would have got higher mark but he was boasting about his bowling something i do not like
Spillers 8 excellent regard action showed up some so called better batsman
Craig 8 as above
Woody 7 if everyone put his effort in we would be a much better team .
June 22nd Reed (home) by Neil Newman
After losing the toss and being put into bat we a got off to a flier courtesy of young Tom and Ya-Bome. From there it was down hill all the way apart from Mr Allum finally getting a few runs . Once again the tail didn't wag . After a promising start when well over 250 looked on we just limped over 200 . Cant say to much about there innings as i and our skipper were on shuttle runs to the bar by this point . Never the less they seemed to get there due to a fine innings by their skipper who won them the game . Unfortunately he should have been stumped early in his innings . So to sum up Tom cost us the game . Still better luck next week .
Marks out of 10
Tom Mcgowan 5 got us of to a good start but glove work proved costly
Mario 4 looked in great touch for his 12 needs to play more
Rolo 6 cant remember to much about his batting or bowling
T.Allum 5 much better than previous weeks (got marked down for bowling himself when craig should have bowled)
Cimni 4 rubbish
Fox 5 not as good as we normally expect
Harry 5 cant remember his batting or bowling but cant have been that good because he weren't telling everyone about it
Cawley 4 thanks for your tenner
Darren 5 he bowled a few over's
Craig 4 he fielded
Thongy 7 top man
